Falling Into Grace

By: Ellie Meade


It has been eight months since the event that changed my life forever. I try not to think of it, but in the darkness of the night, it creeps over me. I watch as the alarm clock shifts to 2:38 a.m. It should be no surprise to me; I have not slept since he has been gone. I am a robot. My body goes through the motions of each day, but my heart and soul are still in the deepest shades of black. When will I snap out of this? In that instant I go back to the moment I lost him. I stand in the shadows watching, as I’m told my future is no more.


October 2012

The morning starts like all the rest. I roll over to realize that we are once again going to be running late. I kick the blankets off my satiated, exhausted body and for a brief second look over at Chase’s side of the bed. What we did last night was so good, I wish I could be doing it again right now, but I have to get the kids ready for school. I walk into Ella’s room first, and she is starting to stir.

“Good morning, sunshine,” I sing as I open her blinds.

“Stop, Mommy, I want to sleep,” she says as she pulls the blankets over her head. She is grumpy already, but this does not shock me. My beautiful baby girl is like fire, and she is only five years old.

“Well, lovey, you have to get up if you don’t want to be late to school,” I say.

“Fine,” she says in a snarl.

I roll my eyes as I exit the door and walk to Hunter’s room. He is the most beautiful boy when he sleeps and unlike his sister, he wakes up happy and smiling. I open his door and he shoots up.

“Good morning, Mommy,” he says as he leaps out of bed to greet me with a huge hug and warm kisses on my cheek. He makes my heart melt every morning.

“Get dressed quickly, or we are going to be late again.”

Not worrying about him following my directions, I go back into Ella’s room to make sure she hasn’t gone back to dreamland. Much to my surprise, she is getting dressed in the outfit we picked out last night. I have discovered we are better off negotiating the outfits the night before so we aren’t screaming at each other in the morning. Good, I think to myself, this morning is going to be an easy one.

I head downstairs into the kitchen to start breakfast. It’s not a great breakfast, I think as I pour Rice Krispies into their favorite bowls, the ones with straws coming out the side. Before I can finish, they are coming down the stairs completely dressed. My beautiful babies; I was blessed with twins, one boy, one girl, or as Chase would put it, two birds, one stone. I go to the fridge and take out strawberries; this will have to do. I slice them thin and put a few in each bowl, making sure they each have the same amount. Lately breakfast has been an eating contest; I rush them to eat faster so we won’t be late. As they are taking their last bites, I grab their bowls and put them in the sink.

“OK, time to brush your teeth.” I’m on their heels as we head into the downstairs bathroom. We all quickly brush our teeth and wash our faces.

“All ready for school?” I ask.

“If we have to,” Ella whines as she rolls her eyes. She is a mini me in every way, and she is going to be the death of me in the latter years. I can just feel it now.

“Get your shoes on and let’s get in the truck. Move it!” I shoo them out the door and go back into the house. They forgot their backpacks, so I grab them and sprint to the truck. I check them in their booster seats, then hop into the truck. I start the engine and roll down the driveway. It’s a fast ride to school, and they lean over to kiss me before they jump out the door.

“I love you,” I yell after them. Ella rolls her eyes, giving me the look of you’re embarrassing me, Mom, but Hunter, my sweet Hunter, yells back, “I love you too, hot mama.” I laugh. Chase rubs off on him in every way.

I thank God I’m off today. I need a day of rest after working all weekend at the hospital. Unfortunately my day off will be spent cleaning. Chase is an amazing husband and father, but cleaning is not his thing. The moment I walk into the house, I check the dishwasher to see if it has even been emptied since I turned it on Saturday morning. Much to my surprise, it has been emptied and reloaded. Good, I think to myself, he is capable of doing things, but I know his game all too well. He likes to pretend he can’t do anything so I have to do everything. He has been like this forever, but every now and again he surprises me.